This was not the way I wanted to make this announcement...

I have a story to tell (kind of a long one). Not because I want pity or attention. But because of my stance on life, that all life matters. Even the life still in the womb. This is my story, this is a part of who I am.

There is really only one thing I've ever wanted to be when I grow up. A mommy. Oh sure, I had careers in mind, but they were never consistent. Even now I have trouble pinning down just what I want to do. I'm almost 30 and I have no career goals. Know why? I've never really wanted a career. I have always wanted to be a housewife and stay-at-home-mom. That is the only consistent goal I've ever had.

One problem....The one thing I have always wanted has thus far eluded me. I have no children. I am not a mommy... Or at least that's how the world sees it.

This coming Sunday, July 19th, would have been 20 weeks. The halfway mark. We would have known the gender. We would have been registering for the nursery. We would be blissfully happy, instead of all the negative emotions we currently feel.

Five and a half years ago we didn't think we were ready for kids so we used preventative measures. Three years later we decided it was time to try. Five days before our fifth anniversary we were given the official diagnosis. "You are infertile. Both of you have issues preventing conception. Without medical intervention you may never conceive a child."

The sound of shattering glass was almost audible as our dreams came crashing to the ground. It was time to start looking at our budget, arranging doctor visits, see if anything can be fixed to conceive naturally before letting a third party into the proverbial marriage bed.

And then IT happened. I felt funny, like Aunt-Flow was about to visit, but slightly different. And yet AF never came. The day before Easter Sunday I took a test. My thoughts were "take a pregnancy test so I can stop siking myself out and relax and let AF happen...Yep just one line I figur...wait... What's that? Second line!!!" Showed hubby... Cried!

The hallelujah chorus started! Called sister... Cried! Ran to tell bff...cried and jumped up and down like couple of school girls! Told a few other very close friends...cried. Vowed to keep it a secret from anyone else until first ultrasound...ok so I told a few other people... I was too excited.

Two blissful, nauseous, exhausting weeks and then the next phase. Spotting on my unmentionables. Bliss turned into the darkest month of my life. This miracle baby, the one I was sure was my child I had begged God for, was gone. Seven weeks and 1 day, no beating heart. I waited two agonizing weeks, begged God to let me pass the baby naturally so that I did not have to go through any meds or medical procedures... nope. Had to get the D&C.

I was in a bad place. I was (and in some senses still am) depressed. I was angry! Angry at Him for taking my child. Angry at Him for not letting me pass my baby in a humane dignified way. Angry at Him for letting me be happy, giving me what I prayed for and then ripping it away from me. Angry at Him for letting me be infertile in the first place. Millions of girls and women don't want babies and throw them away like last weeks leftover mashed potatoes. Why not make them infertile instead? I've always loved God, I've made mistakes, sure, I'm human. But I've done my best to follow Him. So why me?

That anger had subsided some. I've gotten to the point where I realise that God did not do this to me. Sin did this to me. We live in a fallen broken world where death and decay are the ultimate end. Some just go earlier than others. I still get angry and I still hurt. I'm so broken right now. I just want my Little One back.

And if I'm being completely honest with myself, I'm not ok. Whenever I receive a pregnancy announcement in any form (Facebook, phone call, face to face) I want to be happy. I want to rejoice. But I don't. I feel jealous. I feel envious. I feel annoyed over the fact that "they're younger than me" or "they haven't been married as long as I have" or "they're too irresponsible." I hate my feelings! I don't want those to be my gut reactions and I try to change it really quickly. I recognize it and then I check my attitude... but it's my current reality. I'm seriously broken...

We named the Little One Jayden. We didn't know the gender so we chose a name that could be for both. It's a Hebrew name meaning "Thankful" or "Yahweh has heard."

Here is the main point of my story. This is where my stance on the Sanctity of Life comes in. We are indeed Thankful for our little one. We know now that we can get pregnant without medical intervention. This little life meant so much to me and my Love. We are parents, no matter what the world says about preborn children. I AM A MOMMY! I have loved and lost. I loved my Jayden baby more in the two weeks I knew about him/her than I ever knew I was capable of. Jayden's life holds meaning, hope, love, healing.

My Little Love is with my Jesus. The first face Jayden's little eyes ever saw was Jesus'. Jayden will never know rejection, pain, sadness, depression, temptation. Jayden will never be treated poorly, teased, neglected, suffer a broken heart or die a painful death. Jayden will only ever feel love, warmth, happiness and the arms of my Savior, forever. In that I find comfort.  

I take it a day at a time. One day I'm fine and the next day I'm a wreck. One moment I'm not even thinking about it and then something will trigger a memory and I'll lose it.

If you're in this boat with me please take comfort in someone. Talk about it. It doesn't have to be online or as public as this, but someone needs to know your baby existed. Someone needs to celebrate and mourn that life with you. #ALLlivesmatter even the unborn.

Thank you for taking time to read my story.

Mommy loves you Jayden. You will always be my favorite "what if". Rest with Jesus until our blessed reunion.

A matter of Life and Death

This was written last semester after a night of serious thought...

Friday night I was at work, and often times I will listen to KSGN on the radio while at work. At about 9pm a Focus on the Family program comes on. Friday night's program was Dr. Dobson sharing a decision of his. He expressed his firm decision to not vote for any presidential candidate who does not support the "Sanctity of Life." In so many words he will not vote for any individual who condones abortion. I have to say that he is onto something and I agree with him on this idea.

I know there will be many people who don't agree with this but please hear me out!

My entire life I have been taught that abortion is murder and I believe this to be true with every ounce of my being. I do not know one single solitary woman who is happy, relieved or proud of herself for having an abortion (and I know quite a few who have had one). In fact its quite the opposite...She is sad, depressed, angry with herself and regrets it with her whole life. How can something that hurts that bad possibly be good for anyone.

I find it highly ironic when I meet someone more concerned with saving a tree or a whale than saving a human life. It's honestly the most selfish form of birth control I've ever heard of.

Now please keep reading and let me explain myself, and my stance on this issue.

I know things happen…I know people make mistakes, and I can only begin to imagine the feelings and thoughts that must be running through a young girls mind when she discovers she is pregnant. My sister got pregnant young and it was a hard time for my family. We all cried, got out our feelings about it…and then began to make preparations for the new life that would soon enter our family…or who had already become a member of our family rather. Kate is the best thing to happen to our family in a very long time.

Here is where it gets tough. I know that not every young girl has a family that will support her as well as my family did with my sister. In fact I know some families will seriously hurt a girl for getting herself pregnant. Whether it be physically or emotionally…I know it occurs.

Here is where I want to come in. I decided about a year ago what I want to do with my psych degree…and after hearing Dr. Dobson on the radio and thinking long and hard about this issue I have a reignited passion. I want to become a Crisis Pregnancy Counselor. I want to be the safe haven for the girl who has nowhere else to go…for the one whose parents call her a "sinner" and throw her out on the streets…the one whose parents beat her, almost killing her and the life inside of her. I want so badly to be the open arms for her to run to…to hear that someone loves her. That God forgives her, and that no matter what she decides for the life depending on her that God and I will still love her through it.

I want to try to steer her away from abortion if at all possible. Give her options, tell her that there are other ways. But still, if in the end she chooses to end the life I want to be there to help her through the emotions and trauma that will inevitably haunt her afterward. No matter the choice she will need someone to take her in and show her Gods true love. Not the legalistic "tough love" from her pious parents.

Everyone who knows me must know my position in this matter. I am decidedly pro-life and will not vote for any candidate (regardless of party) who is pro-choice. But in the end I hate the action, not the individual who does it. She needs love more than anyone in that time.