This was not the way I wanted to make this announcement...

I have a story to tell (kind of a long one). Not because I want pity or attention. But because of my stance on life, that all life matters. Even the life still in the womb. This is my story, this is a part of who I am.

There is really only one thing I've ever wanted to be when I grow up. A mommy. Oh sure, I had careers in mind, but they were never consistent. Even now I have trouble pinning down just what I want to do. I'm almost 30 and I have no career goals. Know why? I've never really wanted a career. I have always wanted to be a housewife and stay-at-home-mom. That is the only consistent goal I've ever had.

One problem....The one thing I have always wanted has thus far eluded me. I have no children. I am not a mommy... Or at least that's how the world sees it.

This coming Sunday, July 19th, would have been 20 weeks. The halfway mark. We would have known the gender. We would have been registering for the nursery. We would be blissfully happy, instead of all the negative emotions we currently feel.

Five and a half years ago we didn't think we were ready for kids so we used preventative measures. Three years later we decided it was time to try. Five days before our fifth anniversary we were given the official diagnosis. "You are infertile. Both of you have issues preventing conception. Without medical intervention you may never conceive a child."

The sound of shattering glass was almost audible as our dreams came crashing to the ground. It was time to start looking at our budget, arranging doctor visits, see if anything can be fixed to conceive naturally before letting a third party into the proverbial marriage bed.

And then IT happened. I felt funny, like Aunt-Flow was about to visit, but slightly different. And yet AF never came. The day before Easter Sunday I took a test. My thoughts were "take a pregnancy test so I can stop siking myself out and relax and let AF happen...Yep just one line I figur...wait... What's that? Second line!!!" Showed hubby... Cried!

The hallelujah chorus started! Called sister... Cried! Ran to tell bff...cried and jumped up and down like couple of school girls! Told a few other very close friends...cried. Vowed to keep it a secret from anyone else until first ultrasound...ok so I told a few other people... I was too excited.

Two blissful, nauseous, exhausting weeks and then the next phase. Spotting on my unmentionables. Bliss turned into the darkest month of my life. This miracle baby, the one I was sure was my child I had begged God for, was gone. Seven weeks and 1 day, no beating heart. I waited two agonizing weeks, begged God to let me pass the baby naturally so that I did not have to go through any meds or medical procedures... nope. Had to get the D&C.

I was in a bad place. I was (and in some senses still am) depressed. I was angry! Angry at Him for taking my child. Angry at Him for not letting me pass my baby in a humane dignified way. Angry at Him for letting me be happy, giving me what I prayed for and then ripping it away from me. Angry at Him for letting me be infertile in the first place. Millions of girls and women don't want babies and throw them away like last weeks leftover mashed potatoes. Why not make them infertile instead? I've always loved God, I've made mistakes, sure, I'm human. But I've done my best to follow Him. So why me?

That anger had subsided some. I've gotten to the point where I realise that God did not do this to me. Sin did this to me. We live in a fallen broken world where death and decay are the ultimate end. Some just go earlier than others. I still get angry and I still hurt. I'm so broken right now. I just want my Little One back.

And if I'm being completely honest with myself, I'm not ok. Whenever I receive a pregnancy announcement in any form (Facebook, phone call, face to face) I want to be happy. I want to rejoice. But I don't. I feel jealous. I feel envious. I feel annoyed over the fact that "they're younger than me" or "they haven't been married as long as I have" or "they're too irresponsible." I hate my feelings! I don't want those to be my gut reactions and I try to change it really quickly. I recognize it and then I check my attitude... but it's my current reality. I'm seriously broken...

We named the Little One Jayden. We didn't know the gender so we chose a name that could be for both. It's a Hebrew name meaning "Thankful" or "Yahweh has heard."

Here is the main point of my story. This is where my stance on the Sanctity of Life comes in. We are indeed Thankful for our little one. We know now that we can get pregnant without medical intervention. This little life meant so much to me and my Love. We are parents, no matter what the world says about preborn children. I AM A MOMMY! I have loved and lost. I loved my Jayden baby more in the two weeks I knew about him/her than I ever knew I was capable of. Jayden's life holds meaning, hope, love, healing.

My Little Love is with my Jesus. The first face Jayden's little eyes ever saw was Jesus'. Jayden will never know rejection, pain, sadness, depression, temptation. Jayden will never be treated poorly, teased, neglected, suffer a broken heart or die a painful death. Jayden will only ever feel love, warmth, happiness and the arms of my Savior, forever. In that I find comfort.  

I take it a day at a time. One day I'm fine and the next day I'm a wreck. One moment I'm not even thinking about it and then something will trigger a memory and I'll lose it.

If you're in this boat with me please take comfort in someone. Talk about it. It doesn't have to be online or as public as this, but someone needs to know your baby existed. Someone needs to celebrate and mourn that life with you. #ALLlivesmatter even the unborn.

Thank you for taking time to read my story.

Mommy loves you Jayden. You will always be my favorite "what if". Rest with Jesus until our blessed reunion.

Dreaming

I dream of tea parties and little league games. Minivans and birthday parties. A million firsts, and just as many lasts. I dream of being waken up at 3am for a feeding and screaming fits while I'm exhausted. Kissing boo-boos and not-too-serious ER visits. I dream of graduations, drivers licenses and weddings......

After a year and a half of trying with no success I dream of it more and more. All the "inconveniences" and struggles of parenthood. I'd take it all, to feel the hug from someone who belongs to me...I don't even know yet if anything is preventing it, but it sure isn't easy waiting. God, now more than ever I need to be held by you. 

Headache update

I went to a headache class provided by Kaiser today. I learned some of the triggers of headaches and ways to prevent and treat headaches without medication. I gotta go get some salonpas and peppermint oil and see if those work for me. All I know it those salonpas smell like the best piece of mint gum ever. If I didn’t know what it was I might have popped it in my mouth right then. lol And the peppermint oil seems like a good idea too. I have chewed gum in the past to help provide some headache relief, but the act of moving my jaw sometimes contributes to the headache. The peppermint oil goes right in the nose to help cool and loosen muscles and relax everything in the head and face region. I’ll have to give it a try. We were also given a list of foods to avoid and use with caution that may also be triggers of headaches. There are some things on that list I didn’t expect. Aged cheeses are on the avoid list while milk is actually fine. ALL nuts are on the avoid list (dang). And MSG is only of the precautionary list, not avoidable all together.

This class was the prerequisite to having an appointment with the neurologist. I will get a call in the next few days to schedule an appointment with the neurologist. She will help me discover the specific triggers I have and find a combination of behavioral, cognitive, medicinal and topical treatments to better manage and deal with my headaches. I of course need to be realistic and realize that not all headaches will be eliminated but reducing the frequency and severity will be the key focus.

Gone (hopefully) are the days of puking my guts out at work and having vacations interrupted by migraines. I’m glad I called patient services and went to see Mr. Hicks (a PA that works in Colton). My primary physician was a major tool and told me “there’s no known cause to migraines and all we can do is give you medicine to help you manage the pain.” Apparently this guy needs to go back to med school and shred his M.D. from Doctors-R-Us. Thank you Mr. Hicks for having more brains and experience than that so called Doctor.

On Weddings, and the life thereafter

-->I wrote this earlier today then lost my connection and was not able to post

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WOW! I don't blog enough! Three months since my last update. I am married now as of 16 days ago and loving every minute of it. My wedding was PERFECT and made so by all the people I love who were there supporting me every step of the way.

It's strange, the feeling of comfort, sustainability and consistency. A good kind of strange. I know I am being taken care of, and that he is always going to be there no matter what we go through. He is a righteous Godly man who loves me and loves his God. Everything he does he thinks of me before he does it. I am important to him, AND I LOVE IT!! I cook and clean and make the home comfortable for him, AND I LOVE THAT TOO!! In just two weeks and a couple days I have learned more about him AND more about myself than I ever knew. It's Amazing!

I am going to attend a wedding of a friend from school today. I used to go to weddings feeling anxious and a tiny twinge of jealousy. I wanted to be the one in that white dress making a promise for forever. I was always excited for my friends getting married, but my thoughts wandered off to the future. My mind was on my who when and where. Even when I finally discovered the who the when was always haunting me. I wanted to be his wife so badly, but I knew I had to be patient and wait for the right time...for Gods time!

Now that I have said my vows and began my life with my amazing husband I am going to this wedding 100% joyful and praising God for his goodness. I am so excited for my friend as it will be her turn to wear the white dress and make a forever promise. I am not distracted by feelings of jealousy but rather I am thinking about all the emotions rushing through her head right now. About the adjustment she will be going through (as I am still going through it). About the awkward next couple of days which will be spent learning each others living habits. About how HAPPY they are and are going to be despite what life throws them. I know I am no pro when it comes to married life...Not even close...We're practically still honeymooning. But its a wonder to see this from a different perspective, from this side of the veil, from (barely) experienced eyes. All my best to her and her very soon-to-be husband. I wish them all the best and as much joy, blessings, love happiness as I would wish for my own young marriage

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It was absolutely beautiful and I am so happy for her. I know that she and her husband are going to be so happy and with the support they have behind them in the form of their family and close friends and more importantly their faith in their Savior Jesus Christ as the foundation, they are going to be forever in each other arms and in the deepest kind of love only The True God can give.

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!

The Desires of My Heart

I desire with all my heart to serve my God in whatever capacity He has planned for me.

I desire with everything in me to spend one wonderful lifetime in the arms of my beloved, forever in love and cherishing the miracle God has given me.

I desire so much to be back in the country that my heart breaks for, with the people I have fallen in love with.

I desire 'til the end of my days to make an impact, even if my name is not given credit.

I desire with all my being to keep in touch with and continue to love my family who has shaped me into who I am today.

I desire strongly to become a wise old woman who can teach and train the following generations, and give them the same desires I have been given.

I desire that others may see my desires and let that become my identity. That I may be known by the good I am capable of, not the bad that I unfortunately commit more often.

I desire that the desires of my heart be met and I may live live to fullest as defined by my walk and relationship with my Creator, Savior, Jesus Christ!

To Love, and Be Loved!

To feel those strong warm arms wrap around me and make me feel as if the world cannot harm me
To look into those deep eyes and read everything he is feeling for me
To read the note written by his hand, expressing all the love he holds in his heart for me
To hear that voice that makes my heart jump when he speaks just a word to me
To know that, though the distance is far, his love stretches and fills the void from him to me

I love him more than words can express, and though it's far, and we have to wait so long, his affection is ever with me and all I can do is dream of his face and wait for the day I see him again!